Your Cheating Heart - Seven Common Myths About Affairs

No one ever anticipates that their partner will cheat on them. As we start relationships, we expect that both partners will be occasionally confronted with the temptation to have an affair, but that the relationship commitment will be strong enough to ignore temptation. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case.

Expectations about affairs or cheating are often based on myths – these myths are ideas or assumptions we have about people that have affairs. If you want to recover from an affair, or be more aware of the possibility that your partner might be cheating, you have to evaluate the myths of cheating and understand the reality.

Let’s take a look at some of the myths of cheating:

Myth #1 – People have affairs because of a strong sexual attraction. Actually, most people become involved in an affair because they are seeking comfort and adoration. They seek out a new relationship because they want the fresh bloom of love that often comes with a new romance and the excitement of doing something clandestinely.

Myth #2 – Affairs happen because the marriage or relationship is unstable or unhappy.  Many affairs start out as friendships that quickly grow in intensity and cross the borders of appropriateness. Some affairs start with behaviours that one partner assumes is innocent enough – like an online chat. Before they know it, the relationship has escalated.

Myth #3 – Affairs are always all about sex. As we said earlier, many affairs start out as friendships that cross the boundaries. Affairs often have a great deal of emotional intimacy. In fact, it’s possible to have an affair without sex. Are you surprised? Lots of people indulge in emotional affairs. Again, this relationship emerges from a friendship where emotional sharing takes place instead of sex. It may involve sharing of confidences, teasing and playful behaviour, sharing secrets or simply relying on the other party as your main confidant.

Myth #4 – People have affairs because there’s not enough sex in the marriage/relationship. Many people have loving relationships, but the person that strays is not emotionally invested in the relationship.

Myth #5 – People that have affairs have no morals. The majority of people that have an affair are aware that they are doing something wrong and have tremendous guilt. Many don’t start out planning to have an affair, but allow themselves to slip into the affair when their emotional boundaries are down.

Myth #6 – Affairs always end in divorce. More than half of the parties involved in a divorce opt to work out their marital problems and remain in the marriage. It’s not always easy to make it after a divorce, but with the assistance of a psychologist, you can work through your problems.

Myth #7 – Don’t talk about the affair. Research shows that the only way to move on in a marriage is to talk openly about the affair. You simply cannot ignore this wound to your marriage. It’s too big and overwhelming. The only way to get the care you need is to discuss it. Of course, it’s helpful to have discussion with a marriage counsellor because a third-party can help move discussion forward and keep the conversation from becoming weighed down in “he said/she said” arguments.

There’s no doubt that finding out your partner is having an affair is incredibly painful. With the help of a psychologist or a marriage counsellor, you can work through this painful period and return to a marriage that has greater strength and understanding.

For further information or consultation regarding psychological issues, or life coaching, you may contact Dr. Dreyfus by letter, phone, email, or fax.

You can e-mail him or call (310) 208-5700.